If you want snacks, then bring the ruckus...

… Wu-Tang snacks ain’t nuthin’ to fuck wit.

Was reading a Thrillist article on the big changes coming to NYC in 2019, and I came across this little tidbit- Seven new movie theaters are opening in New York City over the next few months in Manhattan, Queens, and Staten Island.  And the article is quick to point out that they are all going to be multiplex theaters, as opposed to those smaller arthouse joints where guys with ironic facial hair sit in the back of tiny theaters and smoke clove cigarettes while jerking each other off intellectually.

Upon reading this, I immediately thought that seven seemed like a big number for a town/society that is slowly morphing into the dystopian landscape of Wall-E…

A perfect example is that my kids and their friends are just as happy watching a movie on their phones as they are going to a theatre.  Sometimes the travel in large groups called “liabilities” and watch the same program together, but all on different mobile devices.

I am the exact opposite… I am still a big fan of the whole movie-going experience, and with the flexibility of my schedule here at Barstool, I have the opportunity to watch more movies in the theatre than ever before.

Truth be told, the wife and I will hit the local megaplex on a weekday for an early showing of whatever is clever, and I will prepare a very specific meal that fits 3 criteria before we jam it into one of her many oversized/overpriced purses and smuggle it in.

First Criteria- It is something easily eaten in the dark… Meaning whatever I make cant be too wet or sloppy.  This should also be every young man’s #1 criteria when choosing a vagina to have sex with.

Second Criteria- The snack is not too loud and/or the wrapping of the snack does not make too loud a commotion when you are unwrapping your tasty treat.

I saw the movie Chappaquiddick with a roast beef and horseradish hero I wrapped in brittle butcher’s paper… HUGE mistake.  I had to wait until the scene where Teddy drove off the bridge and then abandoned that poor woman before there was enough masking background noise for me to dig into my meal.  It was very frustrating and arguably ruined a movie about one of my favorite subjects: The scumbag Kennedy Family.

Third Criteria- No man is an island, and no theater is your living room… So on top of NOT making too much noise with your contraband, you should always be keenly aware go how great of a scent wafts off your secret meal.

Almost all cold cut sandwiches are just fine.  Maybe the vinegar gives off a pungent odor, but it’s nothing that will travel more than a couple of seats, and an overwhelming majority of the midday theaters we frequent are 10-25% filled, at the most.

My first JetBlue flight was from NY to Vegas, and it took place not long after the airline launched (in maybe 1999 or 2000).  It was on this maiden voyage that I became keenly aware of their revolutionary policy of letting passengers board with their own food.  You see, an oversized Jamaican woman took the middle seat between my brother and me, and opened a Tupperware filled with a curried chicken that turned our whole cabin into Osama Bin Laden’s taint.

I will never forget that slob, nor will I ever subject a movie-going audience to such an olfactory assault.

I’ll go one further with my movie-going shadiness… I have often saved soda cups after seeing a feature and then smuggled those same cups back into the theatre at a later date… Thereby avoiding payment for ANYTHING except the reduced-rate afternoon ticket to ride.

Don’t believe me?… Here is the collection I currently keep hidden in my cupboard.

(that 4th one from the top looks like it’s about to melt if I use it again)

So, now you may ask, “Why the fuck are you so cheap, Large?”

Well… First of all… Fuck you.

Secondly, movie theatre food is terrible, so if I can all of a sudden put together, say, a sliced rib eye on a baguette with some shaved parm, arugula, and this roasted red pepper mayo I whip up, then I am smuggling in something I couldn’t otherwise get.

Maybe it requires me to fire up the grill and operate a food processor at 9 AM, but fuck it… Anything worthwhile is worth working for, I suppose.

“Then by that reasoning, Large, why are you STILL a cheap fuck by smuggling in soda cups because they are EXACTLY something you can buy there and NOT have to sneak in from home?”

To that I say… Good point, and sorry about the “Fuck you.” above.

However, I don’t think it is necessarily the saved money that drives me to illegally recycle movie theatre soda cups.  It’s more of the thrill of breaking the law by bringing them in.

I “assume” (because I can’t say for sure) it’s the same rush “certain guys” (not me) feel when masturbating outside of a grammar school in their van… “Allegedly” (because I was never convicted).

To solve the conundrum of quality food offerings for fat fucks like me, four of the seven new NYC theaters will be dine-in… Which means you can choose from a moderately more refined menu and drink booze while watching movies… Like a gentleman, or this handsome bi-racial couple pictured below.

The dine-in model works for some, but again, it doesn’t really suit me because I am an asshole.  It is usually second rate bar food that doesn’t stack up to the sausage, peppers, and egg with fresh mozzarella on Portuguese rolls that I just threw together and will now wrap in discreet wax paper before I head to the movies.

Circling back to the title of this blog… One of these new multi-plex openings later this year in Staten Island is not only going to be dine-in but also (amazingly) feature a Wu-Tang Clan-themed bar. Wu-Tang Clan frontman and martial arts movie aficionado RZA has teamed up with the Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas for a kung-fu-inspired bar at the company’s upcoming Staten Island location.

Designed like a Chinese temple, The Flying Guillotine Bar will have everything you’d expect- Themed cocktails, kung-fu movie trivia nights, a ton of posters and memorabilia you can buy, and an on-site video store where you can go home with a classic karate flick.

I don’t have any plans to visit The Flying Guillotine when it finally opens because my love for kung-fu and Wu-Tang is not enough to overcome my disdain for Staten Island.

But on the off chance I get caught in traffic driving through the guinea gangplank, and I pull over to catch a flick at Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas, rest assured I will NOT be smuggling in any contraband.  Because…

 If I roast beef, won’t bring my rucksack… Wu-Tang clan might punch in my nutsack.

Now if you’ll excuse me I am off to drop the liabilities at school and then see the first showing of Glass at the local AMC… IMAX, of course (I don’t mind the extra charge).

Take a report.

-Large

Not sure if I am allowed to link competitors, but here’s the Thrillist article for those in NYC and aching to read about what is coming down the pike for this unforsaken hellhole in ’19.